ÿþ02:00:01:07 02:00:03:20 Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
02:00:03:22 02:00:05:10 Thank you so very much.
02:00:06:12 02:00:08:24 Well, good evening.
02:00:10:09 02:00:11:19 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome.
02:00:11:21 02:00:13:09 Well, my hands are a bit full so, Hugh,
02:00:13:11 02:00:15:16 perhaps you wouldn't mind
doing the apostrophes for me this week?
02:00:15:18 02:00:19:14 -Certainly, right.
-Welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
02:00:20:17 02:00:22:15 Some very, very exciting news.
02:00:22:24 02:00:24:13 I received a letter today.
02:00:24:15 02:00:25:15 -Hugh, if you would.
-Right.
02:00:25:17 02:00:30:06 A letter from Buckingham Palace
and I'm going to read it to you.
02:00:31:12 02:00:33:23 ''Dear Mr Fry...'' Misspelt.
02:00:35:05 02:00:38:11 ''Thank you very much for applying for the MBE.
02:00:40:06 02:00:42:02 ''As you know, numbers are limited.
02:00:42:04 02:00:46:20 ''We have only one MBE
left on the upcoming Honours List.''
02:00:47:03 02:00:49:01 -Oh, dear.
-It's disappointing, isn't it?
02:00:49:03 02:00:52:18 -That is disappointing. ''Upcoming''?
-Yes. Rather American, isn't it?
02:00:52:20 02:00:54:11 Still, it goes on.
02:00:54:13 02:00:57:22 ''Apart from yourself,
the shortlist includes Arthur Holt,
02:00:57:24 02:00:59:17 ''Reading's Mr Ballbearings,
02:01:01:00 02:01:05:15 ''Elspeth Reid, deputy to the deputy-deputy
of the Chobham Conservative Party
02:01:06:01 02:01:09:03 ''and Sally Cooke.''
Who is an Olympic athlete, is that right?
02:01:09:05 02:01:12:08 -Oh, come on. Everyone knows who Sally Cooke is.
-Sorry, okay.
02:01:12:10 02:01:16:03 ''And the winner will be the one who,
in the opinion of the judges,
02:01:16:09 02:01:18:04 ''comes up with the best slogan.''
02:01:20:24 02:01:23:06 -Slogan?
-Yes, you have to say,
02:01:23:08 02:01:24:16 in not more than 1 0 words,
02:01:24:18 02:01:27:16 why you think the Queen
is both marvellous and important.
02:01:29:24 02:01:31:01 Right. Well...
02:01:31:03 02:01:32:21 Well, come on, Hugh. You're a words man.
Have a go.
02:01:32:23 02:01:35:11 -It can't be that hard, can it? In 1 0 words.
-Not more than.
02:01:36:02 02:01:40:17 Right. I think the Queen is both
marvellous and important because...
02:01:40:19 02:01:42:05 That's it.
02:01:43:00 02:01:44:08 -What?
-1 0 words.
02:01:45:05 02:01:48:08 ''I think the Queen
is both marvellous and important because.''
02:01:48:20 02:01:51:18 -Yeah. It's got sort of a ring to it.
-Yeah.
02:01:52:11 02:01:54:16 -It's not overstated.
-No, no. She'd like that, the Queen.
02:01:54:18 02:01:57:02 -Very, very understated woman.
-Terribly understated.
02:01:57:04 02:01:58:17 -Discreetly understated.
-Oh, yes, discreet.
02:01:58:19 02:02:02:22 She'd never fall into the easy trap
of overstating her understatedness.
02:02:02:24 02:02:04:18 -Exactly. Very like Sally Cooke, actually.
-Yes.
02:02:04:20 02:02:06:19 I think the Queen and Sally Cooke
would get on very well.
02:02:06:21 02:02:07:23 That's true, actually, isn't it?
02:02:08:00 02:02:09:16 Let's face it. Sally Cooke's got it, hasn't she?
02:02:09:18 02:02:11:01 -She'll win the MBE.
-Yeah, yeah.
02:02:11:03 02:02:16:03 Well, then, ladies and gentlemen,
a big A Bit hand for Sally Cooke,
02:02:16:05 02:02:19:22 captain of the British Winter Olympics
synchronised losing team!
02:02:29:04 02:02:31:12 LAURIE: This is Dominic Appleguard.
02:02:32:06 02:02:35:03 Dominic Appleguard is unhappy.
02:02:37:19 02:02:40:06 When Dominic Appleguard was three months old,
02:02:40:16 02:02:41:22 his mother left him.
02:02:45:01 02:02:48:25 Dominic Appleguard always felt different
from the other boys at school.
02:02:49:11 02:02:52:19 He felt apart, somehow separate.
02:02:52:21 02:02:56:20 Unlike them, dissimilar, not the same.
02:03:00:16 02:03:03:06 Dominic's father died when he was only seven.
02:03:07:22 02:03:13:04 Dominic developed a passion for broadcaster
and TVpersonality Bob Holness.
02:03:18:05 02:03:21:12 He vowed to strive always to be worthy of him.
02:03:25:20 02:03:29:19 Dominic wears a hat in an odd but caring way.
02:03:32:00 02:03:33:22 You can trust him with a peony
02:03:35:08 02:03:36:24 and a cod.
02:03:41:06 02:03:45:20 Dominic Appleguard designed the M25.
02:03:48:15 02:03:52:12 If there were any justice in this world,
Esther Rantzen would be Queen.
02:03:53:07 02:03:54:11 Luckily, there isn't.
02:03:55:21 02:03:59:10 Well, you see, it's a sensitive area, isn't it?
It's a very sensitive area.
02:03:59:12 02:04:00:25 That's why I very rarely rub it.
02:04:07:03 02:04:09:14 Hello there. I am Rhodes Boyson.
02:04:10:08 02:04:12:22 Good evening. My name is Rhodes Boyson.
02:04:13:12 02:04:17:08 We are the Rhodes Boysons and this is our hour.
02:04:17:11 02:04:19:01 An hour in which phrases...
02:04:19:03 02:04:20:25 Phrases, certainly. Yes, certainly phrases.
02:04:21:02 02:04:23:18 Phrases such as ''centres of excellence''
will be much in evidence.
02:04:23:20 02:04:27:09 The phrase ''centre of excellence''
will be muchly evidenced.
02:04:27:11 02:04:30:15 -And by ''centre of excellence'' we mean...
-We mean primarily...
02:04:30:17 02:04:33:03 -Primarily, that is.
-A centre that is...
02:04:33:05 02:04:35:08 -By and large...
-By-ly and largely...
02:04:35:10 02:04:37:02 Excellent in some regard.
02:04:37:15 02:04:41:02 -In some regard or other.
-In some or other regard.
02:04:41:11 02:04:44:22 That is what we mean by ''centre of excellence''.
I hope that's cleared that one up.
02:04:45:06 02:04:47:19 Another word that cannot be stressed enough
is ''standards''.
02:04:47:21 02:04:50:24 Standards as in ''standards of excellence'',
02:04:51:06 02:04:54:03 ''moral standards''
and ''standards of accountability''.
02:04:54:05 02:04:57:16 ''Standards of accountability''.
Oh, I love that one. Yes.
02:04:58:03 02:04:59:19 Now, be prepared also for this phrase,
02:04:59:21 02:05:02:17 ''working to improve the lot of small businesses''.
02:05:03:03 02:05:04:03 -Careful.
-Careful.
02:05:04:05 02:05:05:05 -Careful.
-Careful.
02:05:05:07 02:05:09:06 Careful. That's not working
to improve ''a'' lot of small businesses.
02:05:09:11 02:05:12:20 That's working to improve
''the'' lot of small businesses.
02:05:13:02 02:05:16:07 So, for the time being, we'll leave you
with these three marvellous phrases.
02:05:16:13 02:05:19:10 -''Centres of excellence''.
-That's ''centres of excellence''.
02:05:19:12 02:05:22:10 -''Standards of accountability''.
-''Standards of accountability''.
02:05:22:12 02:05:24:18 I do love that one.
I shall be using that one in bed tonight.
02:05:25:08 02:05:28:01 And ''working to improve the lot...'' Careful!
02:05:28:07 02:05:29:08 Careful.
02:05:29:17 02:05:32:06 ''..the lot of small businesses''.
02:05:33:12 02:05:35:21 So, it's bye-bye from Rhodes Boyson.
02:05:36:08 02:05:38:07 And it's bye-bye from Rhodes Boyson.
02:05:38:19 02:05:40:05 We trust that you have enjoyed...
02:05:40:07 02:05:41:16 BOTH: Our hour.
02:05:45:22 02:05:49:04 He just picked me up
and started to slap me really hard.
02:05:49:06 02:05:51:16 I cried and cried, but he didn't take any notice.
02:05:51:21 02:05:53:19 Then he put a plastic tag round my wrist,
02:05:53:21 02:05:56:20 cut my umbilical cord and put me in a cot.
It was awful.
02:06:00:05 02:06:01:05 Mr Kerniff.
02:06:02:12 02:06:04:16 -Where...?
-Mr Kerniff, how are you feeling?
02:06:05:01 02:06:06:01 Where am I?
02:06:06:06 02:06:09:08 You probably don't remember, Mr Kerniff,
but you were in an accident.
02:06:09:12 02:06:11:24 -A van?
-No, an accident.
02:06:13:08 02:06:15:23 -You were on your bicycle and you were hit...
-By a van.
02:06:16:02 02:06:17:03 That's right.
02:06:18:00 02:06:20:02 -Am I all right?
-Oh, you're going to be fine, Mr Kerniff.
02:06:20:04 02:06:22:06 Lots of drink and plenty of hot sleep.
02:06:22:08 02:06:23:12 Right.
02:06:24:14 02:06:29:01 I'm afraid to say, however, that you did sustain
a very serious injury to your genitals.
02:06:30:15 02:06:34:02 -Oh, dear.
-''Oh,'' as you rightly say, ''dear.''
02:06:35:00 02:06:37:19 So serious, in fact,
that we were forced to remove them.
02:06:38:05 02:06:40:13 My genitals? Oh, no!
02:06:41:00 02:06:43:19 Oh, as you didn't rightly say, yes.
02:06:47:24 02:06:49:09 However will I manage?
02:06:49:24 02:06:51:19 Well, did you use them often, Mr Kerniff?
02:06:52:08 02:06:54:12 No, but it was nice to know they were there.
02:06:55:08 02:06:57:13 Well, I shouldn't worry too much, Mr Kerniff.
02:06:57:15 02:06:59:16 Medical science has advanced a great deal.
02:06:59:18 02:07:02:14 Prosthetic and substitute legs, arms,
02:07:02:16 02:07:04:20 even noses are now really quite commonplace.
02:07:05:04 02:07:07:05 You supply substitute genitals?
02:07:10:23 02:07:12:20 Say hello to Killer, Mr Kerniff.
02:07:13:23 02:07:14:24 I don't...
02:07:15:01 02:07:17:06 I don't want a dog's genitals, for heaven's sake.
02:07:17:08 02:07:19:01 (LAUGHING)
02:07:19:03 02:07:21:17 What an almost amusing
misunderstanding, Mr Kerniff.
02:07:22:09 02:07:25:12 No, no, no.
No, Killer here will simply be your substitute
02:07:25:14 02:07:26:20 for having genitals.
02:07:29:01 02:07:30:03 I beg your pardon?
02:07:30:05 02:07:32:17 Oh, surely you've seen people
walking around with Dobermans before?
02:07:32:19 02:07:35:14 -Yes.
-Yeah, well, for men who have no genitals,
02:07:35:16 02:07:39:05 the ownership of a Doberman,
or a similarly violent animal,
02:07:39:07 02:07:41:22 acts as an important psychological crutch.
02:07:43:10 02:07:45:23 And I stress the word ''important''.
02:07:47:12 02:07:48:22 What about making love?
02:07:48:24 02:07:51:12 Oh, I'm sure Killer will be on for that,
won't you now?
02:07:52:05 02:07:56:17 Yes. Now, in addition, we will also be
supplying you with a diving watch,
02:07:58:05 02:08:00:15 a year's subscription to Guns & Ammo
02:08:01:12 02:08:03:10 and this camouflage combat jacket.
02:08:04:01 02:08:06:11 -Oh, yes, and these will also be yours.
-What are they?
02:08:06:13 02:08:09:01 Keys to your rusty white van. It's parked outside.
02:08:10:02 02:08:11:16 -Doctor.
-Yes, Mr Kerniff?
02:08:12:02 02:08:14:08 I appreciate that you're trying to help here,
02:08:14:13 02:08:18:11 but I also used my genitals for,
you know, expelling urine.
02:08:19:02 02:08:21:15 Oh, but Mr Kerniff,
that's the beauty of the whole system.
02:08:21:17 02:08:24:03 When people see you in a combat jacket
02:08:24:05 02:08:26:20 driving around in a rusty white van
with Killer here in the back,
02:08:26:22 02:08:28:23 the piss will be taken out of you constantly.
02:08:31:08 02:08:33:13 Anyway, I was very reasonable.
I said to the bank manager,
02:08:33:15 02:08:35:15 you know, ''Come on, it takes two to tango,''
02:08:35:17 02:08:39:01 and he said, ''Yeah, but it only takes one
02:08:39:03 02:08:41:04 ''to get out of my office and never come back.''
02:08:52:18 02:08:53:20 Freddy.
02:08:55:00 02:08:55:25 (EXCLAIMS)
02:08:56:15 02:08:58:18 Good heavens, Jack, I didn't see you there.
02:08:59:15 02:09:00:23 Good evening, Freddy.
02:09:01:12 02:09:03:09 Well, good evening, Jack.
02:09:04:21 02:09:07:19 Now, then, Freddy, you're a decent sort of chap.
02:09:08:16 02:09:09:17 Well, I...
02:09:09:19 02:09:10:22 Yes, I think so, Jack. Yes.
02:09:10:24 02:09:13:14 I try to be a decent sort of chap, yes.
02:09:14:10 02:09:16:12 Can I ask you a question, Freddy?
02:09:17:03 02:09:19:11 Ask away, Jack. Ask a-bloody-way.
02:09:19:13 02:09:20:18 Are you one of us?
02:09:21:06 02:09:25:01 -Am I one of us?
-Yes.
02:09:25:23 02:09:30:02 -Am I one of us?
-Yes.
02:09:30:22 02:09:34:20 I'm not... I'm not entirely sure
I've understood your question, Jack.
02:09:35:02 02:09:36:18 Let me put it another way.
02:09:36:20 02:09:39:20 Oh, would you, Jack?
Yes, well, I'd be enormously grateful, yes.
02:09:40:19 02:09:42:06 Do you believe in the cause?
02:09:43:00 02:09:45:05 -The cause?
-Cause of freedom.
02:09:46:01 02:09:48:23 Well, Jack. I suppose...
02:09:49:05 02:09:51:13 generally, yes. Yes, I do. Yes.
02:09:51:19 02:09:53:12 If anyone's passing the hat round for freedom,
02:09:53:14 02:09:56:01 then I'll bung them a quid or two, Jack, yes.
02:09:57:07 02:09:59:06 I thought so. I thought so from the first.
02:09:59:08 02:10:02:13 Yes, I'm one of us, Jack,
if you want to put it that way.
02:10:03:00 02:10:03:25 Excellent.
02:10:04:12 02:10:07:11 Phew. Well, we got there in the end, eh, Jack?
Sorted that one out.
02:10:08:18 02:10:10:15 Gets a bit more complicated now.
02:10:11:20 02:10:13:01 Hold on.
02:10:14:09 02:10:17:16 Would you be prepared to do something
in the cause of freedom?
02:10:19:04 02:10:21:14 Wh-what sort of thing, Jack?
02:10:22:11 02:10:25:06 Jumble sale? Hand out leaflets? What?
02:10:25:21 02:10:27:15 Put a bomb in a restaurant.
02:10:28:19 02:10:30:25 Put a bomb in a restaurant?
02:10:32:08 02:10:33:08 Crikey.
02:10:35:03 02:10:37:01 And leave it there, you mean?
02:10:37:03 02:10:39:05 Leave it there, that's right.
02:10:39:10 02:10:42:11 Yes, yes. You don't mean put it there,
02:10:42:13 02:10:44:22 have a spot of lunch and then take it out again?
02:10:45:04 02:10:48:09 No. I mean leave it there.
02:10:50:00 02:10:52:10 -Until it goes off?
-Precisely.
02:10:53:09 02:10:56:21 Do you think you could manage that, Freddy,
in the cause of freedom?
02:11:01:08 02:11:02:08 Well, Jack...
02:11:04:10 02:11:06:04 Jack, I wonder if you wouldn't mind
02:11:06:06 02:11:08:15 sort of joining up the dots for me, if you like.
02:11:09:10 02:11:10:25 If it'll make it easier for you.
02:11:11:02 02:11:13:13 Well, I... I think it will, Jack. I think it will.
02:11:13:15 02:11:18:25 Yeah, because unless I fainted
and missed a whole chunk of the conversation,
02:11:20:12 02:11:23:19 we've been sitting here, you and I,
having a nice old chat, nice old chat,
02:11:23:21 02:11:27:05 putting the world to rights and so on,
and then suddenly,
02:11:27:11 02:11:30:07 you're asking me to put a bomb in a restaurant.
02:11:30:10 02:11:31:10 That's right.
02:11:31:12 02:11:36:12 Yes, well, those are the two dots
I'd like you to join up, Jack, if you wouldn't mind.
02:11:36:14 02:11:38:25 The nice chat and the bomb in the restaurant.
02:11:39:02 02:11:41:12 Just join them up for me, there's a good fellow.
02:11:41:16 02:11:44:04 All right, then, Freddy.
02:11:45:06 02:11:46:22 There are certain people
02:11:47:13 02:11:49:13 who do not believe in the cause.
02:11:50:21 02:11:53:02 -Don't believe in freedom, you mean?
-That's right.
02:11:54:03 02:11:55:23 -Utter swine.
-Right.
02:11:57:22 02:12:00:20 And they eat in a particular restaurant,
do they, Jack?
02:12:01:05 02:12:05:10 Some of them will be eating
in a particular restaurant on a particular day, yes.
02:12:05:17 02:12:07:24 Well, Jack, sorry to stop you,
02:12:08:01 02:12:10:15 -but I've an idea.
-Yes?
02:12:10:17 02:12:14:21 Yes, well, you know who these people are?
02:12:14:23 02:12:15:23 -Yes.
-Yes.
02:12:16:00 02:12:17:21 And you know which restaurant
they're going to be in?
02:12:17:23 02:12:20:09 -Yes.
-Right, so here's the idea.
02:12:20:11 02:12:23:02 We go in there, you and I, Jack,
02:12:23:04 02:12:27:22 and we sit down at their table
and we have it out with them, eh, Jack?
02:12:27:24 02:12:30:22 -Face to face. What do you say?
-Fight them, you mean?
02:12:31:02 02:12:33:11 No! No, no, no, Jack. No, argument.
02:12:33:16 02:12:36:18 Argument! You're a persuasive fellow, Jack.
02:12:37:09 02:12:40:19 You know, I bet you we could sit down
at their table over the soup
02:12:40:21 02:12:44:09 and you could talk, Jack, and I'll back you.
I'll back you to the hilt, Jack!
02:12:44:11 02:12:47:00 And I bet you anything
we could have them believing in freedom
02:12:47:02 02:12:49:16 by the time the pudding arrives, eh?
What do you say, Jack? Hm?
02:12:50:04 02:12:52:06 I don't think that'll quite do, Freddy.
02:12:52:23 02:12:55:17 It won't quite do. All right, Jack.
All right, how about this?
02:12:57:02 02:13:00:09 We pretend...
We pretend to put a bomb in the restaurant.
02:13:00:11 02:13:02:04 -Freddy.
-Yes, Jack?
02:13:02:13 02:13:04:24 -I think perhaps...
-Yes?
02:13:05:16 02:13:07:22 I think perhaps I was wrong about you.
02:13:08:16 02:13:12:11 No, Jack! No! No, you weren't.
No, you were absolutely right, Jack.
02:13:12:13 02:13:15:02 -Right as ruddy rain, you were.
-Well, then.
02:13:17:15 02:13:19:17 Jack, it's just that...
02:13:20:11 02:13:23:18 I'm just the most awful duffer
at this sort of thing, you know?
02:13:23:20 02:13:27:08 The restaurant is called the Etoile d'Or
in Maddox Street.
02:13:27:10 02:13:31:18 I suggest you put that behind the lavatory system
but of course, it's up to you.
02:13:32:17 02:13:33:24 Oh, hell.
02:13:37:24 02:13:42:04 Last night, I got what is technically known as
completely ratted.
02:13:43:14 02:13:46:08 Yes. I was not unadjacent to being totally legless.
02:13:46:10 02:13:47:11 (BOTH SNICKERING)
02:13:47:13 02:13:50:15 I was exceedingly proximate to being paralytic.
02:13:51:05 02:13:53:25 I think an observer
would have designated me quadriplegic.
02:13:54:21 02:13:56:17 Poleaxed, certainly.
02:13:57:15 02:13:59:06 So much so that when I woke up this morning,
02:13:59:08 02:14:03:12 I couldn't remember the names
of the five moons of Treglos 1 4.
02:14:04:09 02:14:05:17 Oh?
02:14:05:19 02:14:09:05 -Dear me. Dear me, indeed. I hope you can now.
-Oh, certainly. Yes, yes.
02:14:09:07 02:14:14:04 Zutron, Maim, Thrompthane,
Sneet and Palstreecken.
02:14:14:16 02:14:17:20 You know, I was not far distant yesterday
in thinking that I'd uncovered
02:14:17:22 02:14:21:07 a minor but definite inconsistency
in the Miemstiff trilogy.
02:14:21:15 02:14:24:21 -Say on.
-Well, you know how in The Cold Planet
02:14:25:04 02:14:28:02 Fliggsnare announces
the three rules of the galactic quest?
02:14:28:18 02:14:31:19 Well, I hope I wasn't so...
I hope I wasn't so arseholed last night
02:14:31:21 02:14:32:23 as to forget that.
02:14:33:02 02:14:34:16 (HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEK)
02:14:34:18 02:14:39:03 It says that any voyager who breaks a rule, yes,
02:14:39:08 02:14:42:21 will be disqualified from the quest
and re-colonised to the Quiet Zone.
02:14:43:16 02:14:46:05 -True.
-Yes, well, in Return of the Suk People,
02:14:46:09 02:14:48:12 Fringo breaks the second rule
02:14:48:14 02:14:51:17 by communicating with an empath
from the Stained Quadrant.
02:14:51:19 02:14:53:18 Yet he's never disqualified, is he?
02:14:53:20 02:14:56:02 That's exceptionally true, as a matter of fact.
02:14:56:20 02:15:00:07 I wonder if it might be worth writing to
Jim Willis and pointing out that inconsistency?
02:15:00:09 02:15:02:07 Well, I fully intend so to do.
02:15:02:12 02:15:04:14 (SNICKERING)
02:15:04:16 02:15:06:21 Oh. Anyway, in answer to your question...
02:15:06:23 02:15:09:11 -Steffi Graf.
-And I don't know.
02:15:11:03 02:15:13:07 (IN FRENCH ACCENT) Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
02:15:13:09 02:15:17:05 This next song is a big hit for I in France.
02:15:17:07 02:15:20:06 But now I make the change with it
02:15:20:08 02:15:22:23 for the English speak.
02:15:23:09 02:15:24:18 (PIANO PLAYING)
02:15:24:20 02:15:29:01 # When your eyes are stubborn
02:15:29:24 02:15:34:02 # To many behind the cupboard
02:15:35:01 02:15:38:14 # Underneath your nose
02:15:39:05 02:15:44:03 # In all my little moonshine bottom #
02:15:48:17 02:15:50:15 They've got a bigger table than we have.
02:15:50:17 02:15:52:09 Come on, Stuart. This is fine.
02:15:52:11 02:15:54:15 No. Look, there are two of them.
They've got a bigger table.
02:15:54:17 02:15:55:23 There are four of us, look at this.
02:15:56:00 02:15:58:22 -Oh, Stuart, for heaven's sake, a table's a table.
-Darling.
02:15:59:11 02:16:01:22 No, well, Jill, there we differ, you and I.
02:16:01:24 02:16:04:13 To me there are tables and there are tables.
Am I right, Gordon?
02:16:04:15 02:16:07:06 Well, you know me, Stuart. Table is as table does.
02:16:07:08 02:16:09:10 At least it's snug, poppet.
02:16:10:16 02:16:14:21 What it is, poppet, is cramped.
You should have used my name when you booked.
02:16:14:23 02:16:15:24 I did.
02:16:16:02 02:16:17:11 What, Mr Poppet?
02:16:22:02 02:16:23:02 Oh.
02:16:23:04 02:16:25:01 -Good evening, sir.
-Good evening.
02:16:26:05 02:16:27:14 Table for bomb, please.
02:16:28:03 02:16:29:04 Excuse me?
02:16:29:22 02:16:31:15 (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
02:16:31:17 02:16:34:06 Yes. Table for one. For one. I was...
02:16:34:16 02:16:36:25 Sorry. Bit nervous. I've never...
02:16:38:02 02:16:39:21 never actually eaten.
02:16:40:21 02:16:42:03 I mean, before.
02:16:42:19 02:16:45:11 Oh, well, you have chosen
the perfect place to start.
02:16:45:13 02:16:46:13 Have I?
02:16:47:05 02:16:48:08 Follow me, please.
02:16:54:01 02:16:57:16 -So, what did we think of the show?
-Loved it. Thought it was really nice.
02:16:57:18 02:16:59:22 Me, too. High quality entertainment.
02:16:59:24 02:17:02:03 Yeah, well, I'm going to come
right out and say it's a, you know,
02:17:02:05 02:17:06:01 that to me, Jeffrey Archer is the finest playwright
this country has turned out
02:17:06:03 02:17:09:04 since...since William Shakespeare.
02:17:09:10 02:17:11:01 That's a hell of a statement, Stu.
02:17:11:03 02:17:14:14 Well, I'm going to go one further, Gordon.
To me, Jeffrey Archer delivers.
02:17:14:16 02:17:16:25 Oh, the guy can write, no question.
02:17:17:09 02:17:18:14 Delivers, does he?
02:17:18:22 02:17:21:15 -I beg your pardon, Jill?
-Come on, darling. You know what he means.
02:17:21:17 02:17:24:23 No, it's all right. Thank you, Gordon.
I can fight my own battles.
02:17:25:24 02:17:30:01 What he delivers, Jill,
to my mind, is quality drama.
02:17:31:00 02:17:33:06 Okay, it's a little dangerous.
02:17:34:03 02:17:37:16 Okay, it's not something that your average
joe punter is going to find all that accessible,
02:17:37:18 02:17:40:05 but in the market he's working to, he delivers,
02:17:40:07 02:17:43:21 and Gordon will tell you that
that's a compliment I use very sparingly indeed.
02:17:43:23 02:17:45:15 It's true actually, Jill. It's true.
02:17:45:24 02:17:48:25 Stuart is not the kind of man
to bandy the word ''deliver'' around the place.
02:17:49:02 02:17:52:04 -Yeah, well. Thank you, Gordon.
-I thought the sets were marvellous.
02:17:52:06 02:17:54:15 They were really clever. Weren't they, poppet?
02:17:54:17 02:17:57:05 Yeah, and the costumes, they were fantastic.
02:17:57:07 02:17:59:15 Sorry, they were wearing suits, weren't they?
02:18:00:02 02:18:03:25 Well, this is where Jeffrey Archer
is so strongly seen, in his observation.
02:18:04:09 02:18:05:21 He's observed that in an office
02:18:05:23 02:18:08:14 a large number of people wear suits.
Isn't that right, Gordon?
02:18:08:16 02:18:11:22 -Absolutely, Stu.
-Yeah, well, you see, he's observed that, you see?
02:18:11:24 02:18:14:12 I mean, the guy's got an eye for detail, like...
02:18:14:14 02:18:16:14 Well, there's no one like him in my book.
02:18:16:16 02:18:18:03 To be fair to myself, Stu,
02:18:18:05 02:18:20:16 I had observed
that people in offices wear suits, too.
02:18:21:10 02:18:23:11 No, no. No, you hadn't, Gordon.
02:18:23:15 02:18:25:08 You see, you can only say that
after you've seen the play.
02:18:25:10 02:18:28:06 If I'd asked you before the play,
you know, what people wear in offices,
02:18:28:08 02:18:30:06 you wouldn't have had a clue.
02:18:30:08 02:18:31:24 I think I would have said suits.
02:18:32:01 02:18:34:06 -No, you wouldn't, Gordon.
-I think I would.
02:18:34:08 02:18:37:09 -No, you wouldn't!
-(WHISPERING) I would. I would!
02:18:37:19 02:18:38:20 Hold up. Now, wait a minute.
02:18:38:22 02:18:41:16 Look, that bloke came in after us
and they're taking his order.
02:18:41:18 02:18:43:01 What would you like, sir?
02:18:44:13 02:18:45:16 Crikey, yes.
02:18:46:09 02:18:47:21 Is something the matter, sir?
02:18:49:01 02:18:51:23 Well, how many lavatories have you got here?
02:18:52:14 02:18:54:01 Just one, sir. Over there.
02:18:54:12 02:18:56:06 Yes, yes, I've tried that one.
02:18:56:15 02:18:58:20 It's no good. No bloody good!
02:19:01:05 02:19:03:25 You see, the cistern, it's too close to the wall.
02:19:04:02 02:19:06:22 You can't get anything
between the cistern and the wall.
02:19:07:14 02:19:08:25 Oh, hell!
02:19:10:19 02:19:12:08 Are you ready to order, sir?
02:19:12:10 02:19:16:12 Order, yes. Well, to be perfectly honest,
I'm not awfully hungry.
02:19:17:08 02:19:19:04 Well, may I recommend the salad?
02:19:19:11 02:19:22:16 Perhaps a smoked chicken salad?
It makes a perfect light meal.
02:19:23:06 02:19:25:19 Yes, well, yes, that sounds awfully good.
Awfully good.
02:19:25:21 02:19:29:06 Tell you what, though, instead of that
I think I'll just have a glass of water.
02:19:30:04 02:19:31:15 Just a glass of water, sir?
02:19:32:05 02:19:33:20 Oh, Lord, no! No, make it a bottle!
02:19:33:22 02:19:35:01 (LAUGHING)
02:19:35:03 02:19:37:20 No. Tell you what, half a dozen bottles. Hmm?
02:19:37:22 02:19:39:23 I mean, you only live once, don't you?
02:19:40:09 02:19:41:09 Very good, sir.
02:19:42:08 02:19:43:15 Oh, hell.
02:19:45:10 02:19:49:15 # Hold my legs up skyward
02:19:50:21 02:19:55:04 # For you to smell just as I would
02:19:56:13 02:19:59:04 # Leaves the carpet bare
02:19:59:22 02:20:02:24 # And never let our ears
02:20:03:13 02:20:05:17 # Be rotten
02:20:14:09 02:20:16:24 # Too late, too big
02:20:17:07 02:20:20:10 # Too wide, too comfy #
02:20:25:10 02:20:26:12 Good evening, sir.
02:20:26:14 02:20:29:13 Good evening.
I'd like to order some soup to start and...
02:20:29:15 02:20:30:17 Wait a minute.
02:20:30:19 02:20:32:07 -What?
-Good Lord.
02:20:32:09 02:20:35:07 You're Keith Bennett, aren't you?
The government minister?
02:20:35:09 02:20:38:21 -Well, as a matter of fact I am, yes.
-I thought so! I knew it!
02:20:38:23 02:20:41:24 Oh, Mr Bennett, this is wonderful.
I have to say, I'm a great admirer
02:20:42:01 02:20:43:12 -of you and your policies.
-Really?
02:20:43:14 02:20:46:10 Oh, for definite.
Can I recommend the halibut, by the way?
02:20:46:12 02:20:49:07 -It comes in a nice black butter sauce.
-Thank you.
02:20:49:14 02:20:53:09 Yeah, 'cause you steered that broadcasting bill
through the House of Commons, didn't you?
02:20:53:11 02:20:56:17 -Yes, I did, indeed.
-Brilliant, quite brilliant.
02:20:56:19 02:20:58:25 Well, I must say, this is really most gratifying.
02:20:59:16 02:21:01:13 So, you really do admire my policies?
02:21:01:15 02:21:03:19 Yeah, what, most people don't like you, then?
02:21:03:21 02:21:06:16 No, no, no, it's just that...
Well, you know what it is.
02:21:06:18 02:21:09:16 We aren't always the most
popular of people, we politicians.
02:21:09:18 02:21:13:17 Yeah, yeah. You must get used to people
calling you a complete dickhead, I suppose.
02:21:14:14 02:21:16:03 No, not exactly.
02:21:16:18 02:21:20:17 Oh, that speech you made
about de-regularising broadcasting.
02:21:20:19 02:21:23:11 I cheered for you that night, Mr Bennett.
02:21:24:07 02:21:26:16 ''We must strive to offer the consumer
02:21:26:18 02:21:28:19 ''a far greater range of choice.
02:21:28:21 02:21:32:09 ''For too long broadcasting has been
in the grip of a small elite.
02:21:32:11 02:21:35:13 ''We must expand and offer more choice!''
02:21:35:22 02:21:38:12 Good heavens.
You've remembered it word for word.
02:21:38:14 02:21:41:15 Well, it was masterly stuff, Mr Bennett. I mean...
02:21:42:02 02:21:43:09 -Oh, my God.
-What?
02:21:44:05 02:21:45:22 -Your cutlery.
-What's wrong?
02:21:45:24 02:21:48:01 A silver knife and fork. I can't believe it.
02:21:48:03 02:21:49:22 These are rather nice. They're not dirty, are they?
02:21:49:24 02:21:52:01 Oh, my...
That this should happen to you of all people.
02:21:52:03 02:21:54:18 -I am so sorry. I'll be right back.
-They were fine.
02:21:58:03 02:21:59:06 Of course.
02:21:59:21 02:22:01:03 Moulinex.
02:22:01:18 02:22:03:10 -What?
-All the way through,
02:22:03:12 02:22:05:16 I was trying to think
where I'd seen that actress before.
02:22:05:18 02:22:08:16 -She's the one in the Moulinex advert.
-Oh, that's right.
02:22:08:18 02:22:10:15 -Yes, the one about the blender.
-That's it.
02:22:10:17 02:22:11:19 What, the wife?
02:22:12:20 02:22:13:20 Sorry?
02:22:14:01 02:22:16:06 The actress who played the wife
is in some sort of advert
02:22:16:08 02:22:17:08 at the moment, is she?
02:22:19:17 02:22:21:17 Hello? Laura, wake up!
02:22:22:00 02:22:25:21 The actress in the play who was playing the wife
that we just saw tonight,
02:22:26:01 02:22:27:16 you're saying she's in an advert at the moment?
02:22:28:01 02:22:29:14 -The wife?
-Yes.
02:22:30:05 02:22:32:11 Actually, Stuart, she was playing his daughter.
02:22:34:17 02:22:37:11 Hold on. I'm probably getting her
confused with someone. Wait a minute.
02:22:39:05 02:22:41:17 There was only one woman in the play, Stuart.
02:22:42:15 02:22:44:10 And she was his daughter, poppet.
02:22:44:16 02:22:47:05 That was sort of the idea
of the entire evening, Stu.
02:22:49:20 02:22:51:10 Yeah, daughter.
02:22:51:23 02:22:54:02 -What did I say?
-You said wife.
02:22:54:20 02:22:57:05 -Did I?
-Three times.
02:22:59:09 02:23:02:13 This table is definitely smaller, you know.
I mean, all those other ones...
02:23:02:15 02:23:03:25 STUART: Gor blimey!
02:23:04:07 02:23:06:02 Look, that man over there.
02:23:06:15 02:23:07:20 He's in the government, isn't he?
02:23:07:22 02:23:10:16 -Isn't he a cabinet minister or something?
-It's Keith Bennett.
02:23:10:18 02:23:13:11 Got it! Roy Hattersley, you're quite right, Gordon.
02:23:16:13 02:23:18:10 I do apologise.
02:23:18:19 02:23:20:20 Apologise for what? The fork and knife were fine.
02:23:20:22 02:23:23:23 Oh, it's very kind of you, sir,
but I absolutely insist.
02:23:24:00 02:23:25:13 What... What...
02:23:25:15 02:23:28:02 -What's this?
-Your cutlery, sir.
02:23:28:07 02:23:31:11 Cutlery? But these are plastic coffee stirrers.
02:23:31:13 02:23:33:23 Yes, I know. But at least
you've got the choice now, haven't you?
02:23:34:00 02:23:37:06 I mean, they may be complete crap,
but at least you've got the choice, haven't you?
02:23:37:08 02:23:39:13 And that's so important, isn't it? To have a choice!
02:23:39:15 02:23:41:19 You mad, disgusting bastard!
02:23:42:04 02:23:45:12 What are you doing to our television system?
What are you doing to our country?
02:23:45:14 02:23:48:06 I'm gonna kill you, you bastard!
02:23:48:09 02:23:51:15 That politician man's being strangled by a waiter.
02:23:51:17 02:23:53:17 God, I hate you! I'm gonna kill you, you bastard!
02:23:53:19 02:23:55:15 At least he's got a decent sized table.
02:23:56:09 02:23:58:04 Anyway, to return to the play,
02:23:58:06 02:24:00:24 I have to say that
although the acting was really good...
02:24:01:01 02:24:02:23 -Marvellous acting.
-Yeah.
02:24:03:00 02:24:06:07 I do think the play would have been benefited
from having a Paul Eddington in it.
02:24:06:09 02:24:09:10 -A Paul Eddington?
-Well, ideally the Paul Eddington.
02:24:09:12 02:24:10:19 Isn't he wonderful?
02:24:10:21 02:24:13:20 Yeah, well, you see the thing
about Paul Eddington, of course, is his timing.
02:24:14:10 02:24:17:25 -His timing is just so...
-Well, it's the timing of a master.
02:24:18:02 02:24:20:17 A friend of mine's sister
married Paul Eddington's doctor.
02:24:21:06 02:24:24:09 -You never told me that, Gordon.
-Well, you know, one doesn't like to boast.
02:24:24:11 02:24:26:01 Though, apparently...
02:24:26:03 02:24:28:07 apparently, it's well known
02:24:28:09 02:24:31:17 that Paul Eddington has
the second best timing in the business
02:24:31:19 02:24:33:03 after Nigel Havers.
02:24:35:10 02:24:38:05 What is timing, exactly?
02:24:38:07 02:24:42:09 Well, timing, it's...
It's a bit difficult to explain to a woman, Jill,
02:24:42:11 02:24:49:08 but timing is basically
the magic ingredient that Paul Eddington's got.
02:24:49:10 02:24:50:16 Well, what is it?
02:24:50:18 02:24:53:01 Yes, I'd like to know that, too, I must say.
02:24:55:16 02:24:57:15 I know your doctor's brother-in-law.
02:25:00:18 02:25:01:18 How nice.
02:25:02:13 02:25:06:05 Yes, well, we were just explaining to our wives
02:25:06:07 02:25:09:02 that, well, you've got amongst
the best timing in show business.
02:25:09:04 02:25:10:25 Ah, well. After Nigel Havers.
02:25:11:17 02:25:13:01 Yes. Come on, level with us, Paul,
02:25:13:03 02:25:15:18 would you class your timing as good,
02:25:15:20 02:25:19:18 very good, extremely good, or immaculate?
02:25:20:22 02:25:21:22 Well...
02:25:25:18 02:25:28:04 Hello, look, excuse me, everyone.
02:25:29:02 02:25:31:22 Sorry to bother you and all that sort of filth.
02:25:32:21 02:25:35:07 But... Oh, nearly forgot. Long live freedom.
02:25:36:00 02:25:39:13 No, the thing is, there's a bomb.
02:25:40:22 02:25:42:19 Yeah, I know. Rotten, isn't it?
02:25:43:17 02:25:46:19 No, the thing is, it is about to go off, so...
02:25:46:21 02:25:48:15 I don't know, you might like to leave.
02:25:50:18 02:25:52:09 -That's right. This way. Yes.
-Yes, yes.
02:25:52:11 02:25:54:23 This way. This way. This way, please.
02:25:55:00 02:25:56:19 Oh, crikey, my bill.
02:26:10:07 02:26:11:18 You know, I think they like me.
02:26:25:13 02:26:27:18 Now, ladies and gentlemen, now that...
Ah, now, yes.
02:26:27:20 02:26:30:19 I wonder if you recognise that
from Where Eagles Dare.
02:26:30:21 02:26:34:03 There's a scene in Where Eagles Dare where, ha,
02:26:34:14 02:26:38:21 where Richard Burton
is pretending to be a German agent.
02:26:39:00 02:26:41:18 When, in actual fact, what he's doing is,
he's trying to find out
02:26:41:20 02:26:44:10 the names of all the German agents
working in England.
02:26:44:12 02:26:48:13 And the funny thing is,
you see, that happened to me the other day.
02:26:49:22 02:26:51:01 -It did?
-Yes, it did. Yes.
02:26:51:03 02:26:54:06 It's funny 'cause things from films
are always happening to me. There was...
02:26:54:12 02:26:56:10 Do you know the scene in WarGames
02:26:56:12 02:27:01:21 where the scientist calls the Air Force general
a pig-eyed sack of shit?
02:27:03:01 02:27:05:11 That happened to me.
Someone called me that the other day.
02:27:05:13 02:27:08:04 And Fatal Attraction.
02:27:09:07 02:27:12:08 I almost sued when that came out.
I mean, that could have been made about me!
02:27:12:10 02:27:13:12 It's incredible.
02:27:13:14 02:27:16:01 You were persecuted
by a one-night stand, were you?
02:27:16:03 02:27:18:20 No, no, no. Don't be silly. No.
02:27:18:22 02:27:20:12 I went to bed with Glenn Close, though.
02:27:22:03 02:27:24:14 -That's ridiculous.
-Yes, it is ridiculous, yes.
02:27:25:07 02:27:26:14 Went to bed with Michael Douglas.
02:27:27:11 02:27:30:02 -You went to bed with Michael Douglas?
-Well, in a sense.
02:27:30:04 02:27:31:04 In what sense?
02:27:31:24 02:27:33:21 Completely made-up, untrue sense.
02:27:34:21 02:27:37:14 Yes. Well, I've been to bed
with Michael Douglas in that sense.
02:27:37:16 02:27:40:02 -Really?
-Well, nibbled his toes.
02:27:41:03 02:27:42:04 What was it like?
02:27:42:06 02:27:44:16 -Great. He was very sensitive and caring.
-Really?
02:27:44:18 02:27:47:09 But I will tell you, ladies and gentlemen,
a really true thing
02:27:47:11 02:27:49:24 that actually did happen to me,
and this is rather interesting.
02:27:50:01 02:27:53:25 I was sprawled in bed
with Kathleen Turner and David Vine,
02:27:54:20 02:27:57:08 when suddenly,
the most remarkable thing happened...
02:27:57:10 02:27:59:23 Immaculate, I'd say.